As I sit here with a heavy heart wondering what about me, wanting material things that I know I will not get for the holiday.
I am reminded of a vision I had one spring day in a church in North Idaho. I was feeling tired after a long haul... I had cheated faith surviving cervical cancer, with the help of God help the man I love receive a liver transplant and with the help of family and dear friends my three kids were well cared for and Our home was still ours after it was all said and done. It was a miracle and yes I learn thru this all how to not only pray but to believe with all my heart and being that the only way this would happen was thru Christ and his Amazing Father. It was an old School acquaintance Tanya that was the tool to bring me back to where I belong she saved my faith that strengthened my will. I went to bible study with her every wednesday night for months, At a church run by an old family friend Delani Kaiser The small Washoe Tribe Reservation bordered the subdivision I grew up in. It felt like years it was amazing to study with such amazingly spiritual people. Then the day came and we had to go to The transplant center. That night My Mercury Sable grew wing because we made within 7 hour trip in 4 hours. That was the drive I had prepared for with all I was I knew to bring daddy home I had to do my best.. it was not only for me but for my babies. I remember a few small details like a deer that was so scared and trapped in a small alcove along the road traffic stopped and the dear was aloud to make his getaway... poor thing. I remember driving thru Apple Valley thinking I want to take my kids there... I remember hitting the freeway at Sacramento and my husband saying I think we are supposed to be driving the speed of the traffic not chasing tail lights. Needless to say the drive ended in the parking garage of the transplant center. As we entered the transplant center I was numb I did not know which emotion was the strongest all I knew was I was being suffocated by fear. But with Jesus by my side I was composed... All I could do is repeat my little prayer in my head... We were lead to a hospital room where my husband was given a gown and asked to disrobe and get into beds so they could get started on the work that needed to be done... the standard temperature, blood pressure and O2 levels... lots of papers to sign and time the clock ticked slowly and I kept praying... When they wheeled him away for surgery I excused myself to go have a cigarette (yes I smoked at this time) I went to the roof of the hospital and had a come to jesus with God I told him in no certain terms could he take him back after all I had been thru I was not giving him back, my kids needed a dad and I needed him I remember this talk like it was yesterday I was in tears scared to death yelling at God... Demanding him to save the man he gave me to spend my life with. Many cigarettes later I went back into the hospital down the elevator where my mom was waiting half asleep in her chair waiting for a call from Ken's mom who was flying in with his aunt. Somewhere around the 12 to 14 hour mark the doctors came out and said he did fine and he was being moved to ICU. I asked to see him and they said yes only you can come in. I walked into a cold sterile room filled with machines all attached to him in some way he looked so peaceful and I remember he was pink... All the months of liver failure had turned his skin a dull pale white.. but now he was pink... I thank'd god and went to find our room I need a nap I had been up for 32 hours. Found my bed and just fell asleep.
I was woke out to familiar loud laughing voices. I think I had gotten 30 minutes of sleep. So I went back to the hospital with 2 moms and an Aunt in tow. Ken was doing well and we were told there was not much we could do but let him rest. We all walked along Fillmore street stopped in had lunch at a greek restaurant.. our first ever experience... Then I went with my mom back to the room she gathered her thing and I drove her back home it took about 7 hours with a stop for a case of apples for the kids. After delivering my mom home I remember my step dad begging me to stay but I had to get back. I drove back the same familiar road making all kinds of promises to God. I got back to the hospital and check in on my sweetie he was fine so I went to sleep, and I did I slept several hours hard. From this point the next few months would be that of trial and error a few hick ups and a lot of prayers and yes a few more talks with god. But for the most part it all went smooth.. We actually got to go home as a family. Thank you God... A few months after we went home I began to feel tired, it was no more than the anxiety of the whole transplant experience draining from me I was so tired I remember asking God to take me home as he did Enoch, I have done all I can and my soul is tired. Instead we were led to joined a small church and one warm spring evening we went a small revival at the church there was a special gift sent by God A Native American Guitar Player.. He was blind but I knew he could see my heart.. I asked him to play amazing grace and he played the most amazing version I had ever heard... As I sat listen I felt very tired and cold of so very cold then he appeared an angel the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in flowing robes the color of bronze, his face so kind he held out his hand and I took it we travel along a stream to a small pond where we stopped he pointed to the water and I looked I could see beautiful stone and ripples of clean water all the way to the bottom it looks so refreshing and new.. I looked back at him and he pointed at the water again and I looked I did not see any new objects in the water I was confused for a bit then it hit me I could not see myself... there was no reflection... We traveled on to a hedge long and tall and perfect in every way every leaf new... it was amazing... We then went thru a gate into the most beautiful area filled with rolling hills of green trees and a White building that sat atop a hill in the center of the valley as I stood there with the Angle I could feel my very life emanating with in the light the came from the window of the building and filled the valley. As I stood there I understood what was being offered to me and I had to decline... From what I was show God purpose for me was not fulfilled yet... He would have granted me my desire for rest but there was more...
Next thing I know my husband tapped my shoulder and said wake up... As I opened my eyes I took with me the lessons of the visit... It is not about me, my faith is always new thru believing and I am to be a light to show the world there is hope... God is not done with me... and he is not done with you so please this Holiday season... Remember we are here to serve.. Be a light of hope.
Thy will Almighty Father in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen
